avoiding Dr. Toothy

i love coffee and coffee loves me. unfortunately, coffee does not love my teeth, so in an effort to prevent teeth stainage, i've decided to experiment with an at-home teeth whitening kit -- crest night effects. it even came with free toothpaste!

but seriously, how much of a pain in the ass does it have to be? first, you gotta brush your teeth. easy. do that every night.

then, you gotta wipe your teeth down so that each tooth is completely dry, to ensure that the paste will stick. this part majorly sucks because by the time you get to drying the last tooth, the first one is already glistening with the saliva filling up in your mouth.

if you've successfully dried all your teeth (freak!) or if you've given up, like me, then you start to squeeze the paste onto a tiny nailpolish brush that comes in the kit. you unevenly coat each tooth with the clumpy stuff and leave your mouth open for a few seconds to see if anyone will catch you looking like an idiot. just kidding. it's to make sure it dries.

the paste sticks pretty well, but somehow, is tastes a little like the balloons i used to play with when i was a little kid. the kind that came as a goop in a tube that you squeeze out, roll into a ball, and stick on the end of a straw. eeeyuck.

by morning, i've got a mouth of watery chunks + gross morning breath and just can't wait to rinse it all out. it's doing its job, but i think the next kit i'm going to try will not involve any tiny nailpolish brushes.

btw, the title of this entry is referring to a dentist in chinatown who calls himself Dr. Toothy. (why the hell is he called dr. toothy? does he rip out children's teeth and keep them so he ends up with a million extra teeth? is that why he's so toothy?) i've never seen him, and with a name like that, i dont think i'd ever want to.